The letter I wish I had received.

One of the things I am doing to better myself and find a place of normalcy inside my head, is to be involved in a book study with some of the guys from church. There are only three of us in this group, and I know both of them well enough but we are getting to know each other better with each meeting. As you might imagine a small group allows for relationship building, the whole idea. The book we are reading, again, is, Wild At Heart, by John Eldredge. 

I have been through two “boot camps” based upon this book and participated in a book study with this book before, but this time I think I am getting it. What changed? Me! And our leader said, “We all have the field manual that goes along with this book, so let's answer those questions and come back each week prepared to talk about what we wrote.” Now consider that I have already been in a recovery group for nine months at this point. And I, with a little prompting, decided to answer the recovery questions that our manuals ask us with all the honesty I could muster. As you can imagine that was at first very difficult because you have to battle through a slew of emotions, especially when you have no self esteem, and you trust no one.

Recently, I had scrambled to get the questions answered for chapter four of the manual but could not get them all. Wouldn't you know it, the last thing he asked as he skipped around some of the questions was the last one. I had not made it that far and had not even looked at it. Just looking at the question made my heart sink. With the premise that dad is now dead and going through his effects, you find this letter addressed to you. The question started off with, “What would you have loved to hear from your father? … what would you long for it to say? Is there an apology? An affirmation? Then Eldredge asked us to write that letter. I could hardly speak. I could not do the question justice by improvising at that moment.

I took some time, finished the other questions, sat myself in the backyard and wrote that letter, sobbing most of the way through it. It seemed that as I wrote about various aspects of my youth, the very things that created this person I became, seemed to drain away. I cannot remember anything so freeing. 

I have had to do some difficult things in recovery such as: writing and reading amends letters to people that I needed to say sorry too. This is especially hard when these same people created such havoc in me. But amends is not about the pain, or how they react to my amends; it has everything to do with my healing and relationship with God. One of those letters was to me, forgiving myself; I wrote it and read it to my sponsor, thinking that I would obtain a great release from the anguish I felt, but I felt very little. My sponsor suggested strongly that I go to the park, find a quiet place there, read it to God like a prayer, and then burn it; the silly thing resisted burning. Thinking back on my persistence at getting that paper to burn, perhaps there is a slow, gradual healing from it and I do not see it yet, and the idea that this paper resisted burning could be symbolic in many ways; one being the enemies resistance to release us from his grip.

Writing this letter from dad to myself was very emotional, and I think healing in many ways. I was so excited about what this started in me that I have been telling anyone that will listen what I did. Finally I am sensing some relief from the pains inside. 

So, with that I am going to share this letter that I wrote with you.

The Letter I wish I had received.

Dear Oz,

I failed you and I am so sorry.

When you were young I failed to understand or care about why you were struggling in school. I wish I had pursued every avenue on your behalf. I had no idea how great the humiliation was going to be for you and how that would have effected you. I have been reading your writings since you began, and I see now that you would have been great for you do have a good mind and you could have done anything you wanted in life. 

I am so sorry that I did not show you respect by not listening to what you had to say. Instead I believed the lies your brother told me and beat you for it. If only I had listened to you; you were trying to tell me so many things, and I refused to listen.

I failed you as a father by not coming to your aid when that thug slugged you in the face, and I humiliated you by locking you in the car with all my friends looking on. Son, please, I beg of you to forgive me for that. 

Son, please forgive me for stepping aside as mom mentally emasculated you. I deeply regret not encouraging you to defend yourself, not only with your hands but with your words also. I can see how the damage carried carried all the way into manhood. I now know that if I had been the father you needed you would not have lived in fear, especially a fear of me. I would have worked with you as you learned to stand your ground. I did not know how to do this well, so we both would have learned.

Son, I would have had those talks with you about sexuality. Again, we both needed to learn something, but the biggest area effecting both of us, would have been the lesson on boundaries and how not to cross them. I am so sorry for I crossed yours all the time, and I did not prevent mom from crossing your boundaries either.

Given the chance to do it over we could have practiced communication skills; I by listening to you. Again, please forgive me. If I had known I would have done things so differently. 

Son, it is never to late to say I love you, and I do. A lesson that I have learned to late is that a real man is not ashamed to show his love to his son, especially his first born. 

I love you

Dad.

It is hard to imagine the despair.

Having gone to the tomb and finding it empty the ladies are confronted by an angel who tells them to go and tell the disciples, but John did not tell us that. We need to look at Mark's gospel which would have been conveyed to him by Peter. Peter had not been there, so how did Peter know all this? Mary (We cannot exclude that the others were there with her.)

What is the report? The tomb is empty; Jesus is gone, and someone who just appeared out of nowhere told us to go tell the disciples.

Do John and Peter analyze all this information, comparing it with the comments that Jesus had made and make some decisive conclusions that motive them to investigate for themselves because they need foundational information for their next sermons?

Get real! What you hear barely registers - you are still in shock. The man that loved you like no one else ever had, and while you stayed by his side he took care of every need you had has died and was buried in that tomb, and now he is gone. You don't even have a plan; you merely respond and run to the scene.

John 20:3 Moffatt NT So Peter and the other disciple set out for the tomb;

Even though Mark conveys that the ladies ran trembling from the tomb, that does not mean that they, at least Mary Magdalene, did not do what the angel told her. We do not see the angels demanding a hasty conveyance of the message, but the implications are there. Merely to be a character enveloped in the moment would imply that you would run with all haste. 

 

Where did Mary find Peter and John? That is not given to us, but can be assumed. You probably do not just rent out a room for your Passover meal, so this had to be a relative of one of the men and we can assume, to some degree, a disciple. 

In time Jesus will tell the followers, all 120 of them, to wait in the upper room. This may have been the same room that they had the passover in, and may well be where they found Peter and John. Distraught, you either run to seclusion or to a familiar place. Having been told Mary ran to the familiar place and found Peter and John there. 

As we have worked through John's gospel it is hard to imagine the despair they felt as Jesus told them that he, the best thing that ever happened to them, was to be brutally murdered (a voluntary act on his part) and taken from them. 

 

I do not think we can accurately imagine how they felt, or what they thought as they heard these words – the tomb is empty, and an angel said, he is not here. Looking at a picture recently coming out of Syria, I see a small boy, approximately 2-3 years old, standing in front of an older man sitting on the ground. They both seem to be in the street. What the boy is looking at we do not know, but he is crying in anguish because horrible people have wantonly slaughtered his mother because she is of a differing religion. Anguish, despair, loss of direction, no sense of purpose, and no idea of what is to happen next. Maybe that is what they felt.

John 20:4 NASB " The two were running together; and the other disciple ran ahead faster than Peter and came to the tomb first;..."

I have heard deeply spiritual sermons that seemed to focus on Peter coming second. We know that Peter was very disappointed by his own actions and you might think that it showed in his lack of enthusiasm in running. Get over it; he ran; John just ran faster.

What were they hoping to see? Perhaps nothing; perhaps they just needed to verify that the tomb, which bordered upon impossible to get into, was empty. Why do we crane our necks, some even stopping to look at the horrid car crash, as they traverse the freeway? What are you hoping to see? Why should these men be so different, except that Jesus was like family with one exception; he gave them hope.

Empty! What does that imply? Back to it's original state. If grave robbers had come they would not have taken the time to leave grave cloths. 

 

We have a clear indication of what they might have expected.

Matthew 16:21-22 NASB From that time Jesus began to show His disciples that He must go to Jerusalem, and suffer many things from the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and be raised up on the third day. (22) Peter took Him aside and began to rebuke Him, saying, "God forbid it, Lord! This shall never happen to You."

Peter even challenged Jesus about it, but this only added to Peter's disillusionment, and John tells us none of them believed. 

If you read the 20th chapter of John you will see that John indicates that after having seen the clothes lying as they were he believed. Belief has such varied depths of understanding to it. I personally know people who have a belief in Jesus, but we are cautioned to look at the fruit that comes off the tree as an indicator. (Don't judge one bad apple coming off a tree that may be filled with good apples, as an indicator of the health of the tree. Occasionally the tree can become infested. Should you be a horticulturist then you would know to be observant, take action, and stop the infestation that could destroy not only the fruit but the entire tree. Your fast actions can help to maintain that tree for its lifetime. You should also understand that a well maintained tree has its own natural defense system and often includes the nutrient flow. In a pine tree you would call this sap, and in a well watered tree the sap flow is strong enough to inundate the boring beetle or push it back out. Locally, we lost a large quantity of forest due to drought and beetle populations that went out of control. Ordinarily the trees themselves would have been their own defense but rain had been sparse.)

 

Have you ever heard the sentence, "hindsight is twenty twenty".  It means, looking back I can see clearly what was going on; at the time I could not. John wrote this almost 90 years after Jesus death, and possibly 40 years after Mark wrote his gospel. 

You can easily look back and see that when John chose to finally step inside the tomb, and saw the grave clothes, not strewn about hastily but placed in different locations, was the point in time where something changed in him. Suddenly this was becoming real to him. Kind of like my tree story a moment ago there was a point at which God stepped in, did some maintenance work and changed the direction of John's life.

Many of you have already looked back. Could you see twenty twenty? Did you see your need for Jesus Christ? All it takes is for you admit that you have messed up and that you need him. Ask him into your life. He will take the burden of your sins off you – He did this on that cross so many years ago. He merely has been waiting for you to accept that he did it for you. The moment you do this a new life begins in him, along with the assurance of a life with the Father in eternity.

Were there any witnesses?

That's the kind of question you might ask at a crime scene. Oh man, that just made me think of the safety films we had to watch at the phone company. A company vehicle waits for the train to go by and then pushes the accelerator hard unaware that a train is coming on the second set of tracks. Blam! The next question was, did you as a driver get out of your  vehicle and ask for witnesses.

Alright it wasn't exactly like that but there was a demand placed upon us as drivers to get witnesses because everybody out there was going to look at the large corporation as having deep pockets and  the story will quickly change and it will be your fault.

Wait a minute. The disciples did not put Jesus on that cross; how could anyone possibly say that it was their fault? 

It is an odd world we live in. One where wrong has now become right, if it is not solidly that way the fine citizens our nations are trying to make it so. Consider the demand that the same chief priests that put Jesus on the cross made of Pilate now that Jesus was dead. They demanded that Pilate put a guard at the tomb because those scoundrels talked about him rising from the dead after three days and we do not want them stealing the body and making false claims that it happened that way.

There would  be only one good way to combat false claims, witnesses.

I presented the earlier post with a focus on Mary Magdalene. I believe she is secondary to the theme, but John has given her a status almost on a level with Peter. Peter was a father of the early church; did Mary Magdalene carry that kind of importance or weight? Not that I know of. Why then is Mary focused on here?

I can conjecture, based on knowledge, that Jesus, at a time when women were as useful as cattle, raised them up, showed them respect, and given a golden opportunity to condemn one, (This occurred one Sabbath as he was teaching a crowd that gathered around him in the outer court of the temple.) he diverted those that accused her, forgave her, and sent her on her way.

John 20:2 NASB So she *ran and *came to Simon Peter and to the other disciple whom Jesus loved, and *said to them, "They have taken away the Lord out of the tomb, and we do not know where they have laid Him."

This is another place where John tells only what he needs the reader to understand, and here he focuses on Peter by not mentioning her name again.

I suspect that John cared deeply for Peter. After three years you are either like family or you cannot stand the sight of each other, and John was keenly aware of how the events of the last week have affected Peter.

John's gospel, written to the Jewish community of believers, by most accounts almost 90 years after Jesus death, did not focus on the negative impact Jesus death had on Peter, but on Peter's importance. Anyone studying John's gospel has seen Peter's struggles. In fact all the disciples struggled. As much as we want to believe that the thoughts in their heads were filled with sunshine and flowers they were not. One of the prominent examples of this is when Thomas challenges Jesus with what he sees as utter foolishness.

John 11:14-16 NASB  So Jesus then said to them plainly, "Lazarus is dead,  (15)  and I am glad for your sakes that I was not there, so that you may believe; but let us go to him."  (16)  Therefore Thomas, who is called Didymus, said to his fellow disciples, "Let us also go, so that we may die with Him."

To give Peter the prominence here is notable and may have had a deeper meaning to the early Jewish church.

Mark's gospel does not show Mary Magdalene running with determination to find Peter, but being instructed to do so they fled in bewilderment and seemed to say nothing to anyone for a time. You can read one version and walk away satisfied that you have all the answers in the world; at least for the moment. If I only read John's version then many of the characters get to leave their super hero capes on. But the reality is, they were human.

Mark 16:1-7 NIV When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so that they might go to anoint Jesus' body. (2) Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb (3) and they asked each other, "Who will roll the stone away from the entrance of the tomb?" (4) But when they looked up, they saw that the stone, which was very large, had been rolled away. (5) As they entered the tomb, they saw a young man dressed in a white robe sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed. (6) "Don't be alarmed," he said. "You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid him. (7) But go, tell his disciples and Peter, 'He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.'" Mark 16:8 NASB They went out and fled from the tomb, for trembling and astonishment had gripped them; and they said nothing to anyone, for they were afraid.

The fact that the gospels vary in retelling the story merely demonstrates how others interpreted it, or how it affected them. It is said that Mark's gospel was conveyed to him by Peter. Considering that Mark's gospel had been written before John's, and John may have read it, does that diminish what transpired? 

The point is that there were verifiable witnesses, a central focus of John's gospel. 

Ask yourself a question. Given the comparisons of the gospels and that no one indicated Mark was there; how would he have known any of this?

Introduction to Mark's gospel. Written between 50 and 65 AD

".... the writer of it was not one of the twelve apostles, but an evangelist; the same with John Mark, or John, whose surname was Mark: John was his Hebrew name, and Mark his Gentile name, Act_12:12, and was Barnabas's sister's son, Col_4:10, his mother's name was Mary, Act_12:12. The Apostle Peter calls him his son, 1Pe_5:13, if he is the same; and he is thought to have wrote his Gospel from him (a), and by his order, and which was afterwards examined and approved by him (b) it is said to have been wrote originally in Latin, or in the Roman tongue: so say the Arabic and Persic versions at the beginning of it, and the Syriac version says the same at the end: but of this there is no evidence, any more, nor so much, as of Matthew's writing his Gospel in Hebrew. The old Latin copy of this, is a version from the Greek; it is most likely that it was originally written in Greek, as the rest of the New Testament." (John Gill's Exposition of the Entire Bible, Dr. John Gill (1690-1771)

"Mark wrote to a community that needed to be reminded that God heard prayers and would work through their witness and faith; they also needed to be reminded that this might cost them their lives in persecution. Finally, they could be reminded through the failure of the disciples in Mark that if they had not yet achieved the radical lifestyle their Lord’s words demanded, he would still work with them patiently to help them get to that level of commitment." (The IVP Bible Background Commentary: New Testament, Copyright © 1993 by Craig S. Keener)

I add this because I keep hearing it in my head. 

Those that record history tend to show a favorable spin to the one that pays them. You can see some of this as you dip into Josephus or Tacitus' recollections of Jewish interactions with Rome. Mark's gospel may have carried a favorable spin toward Peter. Strangely John's gospel refers to himself often as, "that other disciple whom Jesus loved." But here in John 20 there is a heavy focus on Peter, which makes a tremendous amount of sense, and Mary Magdalene, a person whose name we all recognize but hardly pay attention to until she comes to the tomb. Suddenly John brings her to the forefront. (It might be safer to say the Holy Spirit for some reason has brought her to the forefront. Why is that?)

If you stumbled onto this page and do not know this Jesus of Nazareth who rose from the dead, you can. Ask him to make himself real to you. Accept him as the ruler over your heart and he will come. He promises us a restored life in eternity with Him. It is not difficult. The difficulty comes when others see a change in you and ask you what happened. Many of you will be under the penalty of death for doing something so bold. God will give you courage to open your mouth. I say this because should you ask him to make himself real to you the dream will be vivid and you will recognize him immediately. Your life will not be the same after the man in white comes to you. (Many of you have already seen him. There are those around you that know this man. He will lead you to those who can explain even more. 

This life that I have in Jesus Christ is real.

Related articles

• Red Letter Year 12/26
• St. Mary Magdalene: How the Apostle to the Apostles Subverts Patriarchy

And on the third day

(I will confess that my notes, covering ten verses, are ten pages long. I am not one of those post a day people, my brain does not work that efficiently. And prepping for bible study takes me several days. Because I do not want to inundate you I am cutting this into segments. 

One other thing. I fairly consistently end each of my posts with a tie into how you can have this life in Christ that the disciples found. I suppose it is as simple as what the thief on the cross did; he acknowledged that Jesus was a man who had done no wrong. He said this because he had an understanding, and we are not given any clarity on that prior to these men being hung on their crosses. That understanding was translated into him acknowledging Jesus and as simple as it seems, having a faith in him. Jesus Christ put himself on that cross for you, to gain your  freedom from the bondage of sin. He rose from the grave so that you could have a place secured for you with the Father. Place your faith in him, and let him grow inside of you.)

As I prepared for bible study (we are diving into John's gospel chapter 20), as usual I am confronted by things that grab my attention. Not wanting to spoil the story I will tell you that John explained that while no one else seemed to believe, (We assume that these disciples of Jesus were superheros and all of them were incessant and notable believers from day one) he did.

 I think one of the dominant questions is: What did John believe?

You can only find the answer to this question by asking some others. That is why I opened with the verse from Matthew, because to some degree it answers the question - what did John believe this day?

Matthew 16:21 NIV From that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the elders, the chief priests and the teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life.

 John 20:1 NIV Early on the first day of the week, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance.

Why the prominence of the first day of the week?

Keep in mind that John was writing to a Jewish audience with the intent of establishing that Jesus was God, that Jesus did what he said he would, and that there was conclusive evidence to back up what he said. John himself being an eyewitness, later, in 1 John 1:1 makes this point again. We were there!

1 John 1:1 NIV That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked at and our hands have touched--this we proclaim concerning the Word of life.

This idea of Jesus coming out of the tomb, no matter what that meant, was such a fearful thing to the chief priests that they requested guards to be placed at the tomb.

Matthew 27:62-64 NIV The next day, the one after Preparation Day, the chief priests and the Pharisees went to Pilate. (63) "Sir," they said, "we remember that while he was still alive that deceiver said, 'After three days I will rise again.' (64) So give the order for the tomb to be made secure until the third day. Otherwise, his disciples may come and steal the body and tell the people that he has been raised from the dead. This last deception will be worse than the first." Matthew 27:65-66 NIV "Take a guard," Pilate answered. "Go, make the tomb as secure as you know how." (66) So they went and made the tomb secure by putting a seal on the stone and posting the guard.

Someone stealing the body, was that really the reason that the chief priests (Annas and Caiphas) made this plea to Pilate, or was it because they could not have reasons to doubt their own rebellion against God? (Can you say blasphemy?)

Hung on the cross and then placed in the tomb before sunset Friday evening marked the beginning of the three days. Sunday morning, being the first day of the week (highly significant) marked the end of the three days.

I did not give this idea of "the first day" adequate time, but thoughts have developed as I am making  this post. Jesus emergence from the grave on the first day of the week could easily mark the beginning of the new covenant.

Jesus, hanging on the cross said, "it is finished". Ask yourself, what did that mean? His life being over? No because only days later they saw him and ate with him. You don't eat fish with a dead man. One could play the conjecture game for hours, but the biggest clue that answers the question about what was finished took place as he partook of his last passover meal with the boys before his death.

Then he took the cup, gave thanks and offered it to them, saying, "Drink from it, all of you. This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. I tell you, I will not drink of this fruit of the vine from now on until that day when I drink it anew with you in my Father's kingdom."  (Matt 26:27-29, NIV)

I have heard that Superstition had the Jewish community convinced that the soul roamed around in the tomb for three days. To wait that long and find Jesus alive would have established that for Jesus to be alive would only be through the power of God. 

When they found him alive after the three days where was he? Outside the tomb. Come on! He let them handle him. 

Strangely John only gives us an account of one coming to the tomb so early in the morning, but there were others.

Why did John focus on Mary Magdalene? There was something about her that got John's attention, and I do not think it was instantaneous. I believe that John saw the depth of Mary's love for a long time.

Mark 16:1-2 NIV When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so that they might go to anoint Jesus' body. (2) Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb.

Luke's gospel tells us that Joanna had been there also.

Luke 24:9-10 NIV When they came back from the tomb, they told all these things to the Eleven and to all the others. (10) It was Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, and the others with them who told this to the apostles.

Who was Joanna? Seeing that this was outside of the scope of John's conversation I am not so sure we need to focus to deeply on this. You can see a big portion of her importance by reading Luke 8:3. Just note that John's version differs from the others, indicating that he had a alternative motive for writing than Mark did. Mark's gospel is believed to have been written while he was in Rome with Peter, and many are solidly convinced that Peter dictated it to Mark. Mark also wrote this to a gentile audience (Romans) some 30 to 40 years before John wrote his gospel. 

I cannot read John's gospel without seeing the Jewishness of it. An example of this for me is the opening sentence of chapter twenty. My gentile mind immediately thinks Monday when I see a statement like, "it  was the first day of the week", but the Jewish mind immediately recognizes that is was Sunday morning and Sabbath has ended giving all these characters the right to "work." It is this emphasis that I think he wanted us to understand.


I offer this commentary.

Came Mary Magdalene and the other Mary - From Mary Magdalene Christ had cast out seven devils. Grateful for his great mercy, she was one of his firmest and most faithful followers, and was first at the sepulchre, and was first permitted to see her risen Lord. The “other Mary” was not the mother of Jesus, but the mother of James and Joses (Mark). Mark tells us that “Salome” attended them. Salome was the wife of Zebedee, and the mother of James and John. From Luke Luk_24:10 it appears that Joanna, wife of Chusa, Herod’s steward (see Luk_8:3), was with them. These four women, Mark says Mar_16:1, having bought sweet spices, came to anoint him. They had prepared a part of them on the evening before the Sabbath, Luk_23:56. They now, according to Mark, completed the preparation and bought more; or the meaning in Mark may be merely that, “having bought” sweet spices, without specifying the time when, they came now to embalm him. ¹

1Albert Barnes' Notes on the Bible (1798-1870)

Related articles

• Luke 9:28-36
• Matthew 28.1-20
• Life of Christ - Part 19 - The Crucifixion and Burial(10) - Jesus is Buried
• Life of Christ - Part 19 - The Crucifixion and Burial(11) - The Guard at the Tomb
• What are the arguments for the histority of the empty tomb?
• Woman, Why are You Weeping? {For Women at the Tomb of Their Calling}
• Jesus' tomb: It's getting real
• She Stood At The Tomb Weeping
• The Awakening - Mary Magdalene's Moment.