Finally I was able to get there.

My place of employment always hires extra help in the Spring; this year was no different, but for once we got some help in my department. I have a tendency to not want the new people to go through the same exclusionary practices that I experienced, so I say hi to them or at least treat them like they are part of the team (Yes, that means I torment them just as I would do anyone else.)

One day as I was passing through the lunch room I see one of the new guys reading his bible. I stopped momentarily to ask what he was reading. I understand the sarcastic response is “a bible” but without explaining my question, which I suppose I should have, the question was more specifically meant to be, “what are you studying and what are you getting out of it?” I remember that he was reading out of the gospel of Luke. I did not know at that time that he was coming to my department.

Why is any of this important?

For one, I have learned that there about six people who work there that claim to be “Christians”. That word has come to mean little or nothing because of its vagueness, and the oddity that many in this nation of mine seem to believe that merely living here makes you a Christian. That kind of belief tells me that you know nothing about having a relationship with Jesus Christ and that you are a follower of him. Look up the word follower and you will find it also means to pursue; one who pursues goes after or walks behind Christ with him as the leader. Now how many of those, so-called Christians, are followers? Of those six only one cares anything about talking about Jesus or their relationship with the Father. I find that to be very discouraging and do not waste my time talking with Pharisees.

This is why I was elated to have this new guy join us. On the first day he joined us we found reason to talk about our savior Jesus Christ. I even told him that I had prayed that God would send me someone who I could communicate with. I think we both agreed that God hand his hand in him being there.

He invited me to his church to join in their Wednesday evening bible study. When I finally was able to get there he was not, but that is okay.

Pastor Marcus, who my friend tells me is very skillful with the Greek and Hebrew, was starting brand new in the book of Daniel. While I am not an expert in Daniel, I am skillful and consider myself well versed in the end times. Daniel, along with several other old testament prophets, plays an integral role in defining the events of these last days.

I must tell you that while I enjoyed it, we flew through the book. Pastor tends to expect his audience to have done their preliminary reading; I had. When he got to the part where Daniel explains to Nebuchadnezzar about the iron legs pastor ran right along tradition and declared that this was the Roman empire.

Let me ask you a question. Have you ever read the book of Daniel? If so, and you were paying attention, then you know that the Roman empire was not mentioned or defined as being the iron legs, in any way. If you are going to emphasize how important it is to read and understand the context then the person leading the group should either be honest and say they do not know, or not give false information merely because it is tradition.

Later, I wrote this pastor a short letter. I introduced myself and how I came to the bible study. Then I told him how much I enjoyed it and that I would be back, and I have been. I also told him how I ran across Glen Beck, then on national television, explaining by comparison on a white board how Jesus of Nazareth and Mahdi of Islam paralleled each other. This information was new, poignant and alive to me, and the author of the book from which Glen Beck had obtained this information was sitting right there and spoke about it all with clarity. I obtained two of his books, and from that point on my understanding began to grow. I told the pastor that it was like the lifting of a fog bank from my mind and suddenly the Revelation and end times events all began to make sense. Joel Richardson, the author of the Mideast Beast, defined the iron legs as the Islamic Caliphate, and gave solid reasons to defend that position.

Pastor Marcus wrote me back, and this I was not excoriated for my “opinion or lack of understanding” but was thanked for informing him about this author, as he had never heard of him before. Pastor Marcus, in person, informed me that he did some research on Joel Richardson and became convinced that he needed to read these books of his.

I cannot begin to tell you how that made me feel. No one, for several years now, has given me much credence. Oh I notice how with every post I get a new follower, and yes that does say that the Father is giving me credence with some, but sadly I do not know any of you. And honestly, how many, who enthusiastically started following me still do?

The second week of my attending Pastor Marcus' bible study.

I already had a heads up that this week we were covering Hosea, Joel and Amos in one night. That is like watching a bullet train go by and then having someone ask you to verbally paint a picture of the happenings that you saw in the twelfth window of the third car. Really, I did not notice any windows and it seemed as though it was one long car.

The short recap:

Hosea -

Hosea and his relationship with his wife (Gomer) is representative of Israel, not just in turning it's back on God, but in running after everything that is not God, just to satisfy the flesh. Isn't that what adultery, or cheating is? Hosea is ordered to take a wife from the prostitutes, those who help to satisfy the burning desires of the flesh to do what it wants. Hosea has children with her but has to go and buy her back on several occasions. His children have names that are hugely significant. The first is named Jezreel; the name of the valley where God will judge the nations in the last days. The last two have the prefix Lo added to their names and it means NOT! Not loved and No longer having compassion on Israel. The book speaks of the judgment against Israel for turning their backs on God, and yet ends by changing their names back and telling of how he will show mercy on them again.

That went by quickly

Joel -

I anxiously awaited Pastor's comments on Joel. If you have read it then you know it is another one of the prophets speaking about judgment upon Israel. Joel chapter two opens with: 

Joel 2:1-3 NASB Blow a trumpet in Zion, And sound an alarm on My holy mountain! Let all the inhabitants of the land tremble, For the day of the LORD is coming; Surely it is near, (2) A day of darkness and gloom, A day of clouds and thick darkness. As the dawn is spread over the mountains, So there is a great and mighty people; There has never been anything like it, Nor will there be again after it To the years of many generations. (3) A fire consumes before them And behind them a flame burns. The land is like the garden of Eden before them But a desolate wilderness behind them, And nothing at all escapes them.

To be honest, Joel took on a whole new meaning to me when I finally really saw what Peter did on the day of Pentecost. Filled with the Holy Spirit, the promised comforter that would empower them, they (possibly 120 “disciples”) were doing something they had never done before, speaking in heavenly languages (tongues) and the people on the street heard this, and heard it in their own tongue. Does what I just said mean that the disciples were speaking in French and Swahili? Perhaps, or not. Does it matter? They were obedient and receptive, and the Holy Spirit fell open them as Jesus said it would.

Peter declared, “This is that which was spoken by the prophet Joel,” and he went to quote a part the verse, out of context, to the religious crowd. 

Joel 2:28-29 NASB "It will come about after this That I will pour out My Spirit on all mankind; And your sons and daughters will prophesy, Your old men will dream dreams, Your young men will see visions. (29) "Even on the male and female servants I will pour out My Spirit in those days.

Of all the things pastor could have talked about he focused on this. He told the guys sitting in the room that they were not to pull scripture out of context and use it prophesy as Peter did. I suspect that the men there needed to hear some strong wisdom about jumping ahead of the cart. Pastor also talked about the judgment that is predominant in this book also.

Amos -

We barely made it Amos and he reiterated that we were to have done our reading and should have an understanding of what Amos speaks of; again, judgment.

When the meeting was over the pastor came over to talk with me. He thanked me for the recommendation on the author Joel Richardson and noted how I had tried to speak to him the previous week. I took the opportunity to say how much I love the prophesy of Joel 2:28-29, and told him that I put a little different spin on it when I talk about it. I told him that though it is a prophecy embedded in the end times, that Peter, led by the Holy Spirit, kicked the door open by saying, “this is that!” The Holy Spirit moved that prophesy into the present. Now the question is really, What are you doing with it and if not, why not?

As usual I am compelled to say, that what I am talking about will be relatively meaningless unless you have a faith and hope in Jesus Christ. That would mean that you are a follower of Jesus Christ and in active pursuit of him. Should you need to do that, ask Jesus Christ to come into your life and give you a life with the Father. Turn from your sins, as a believer you have a new clean heart, and the garbage of the world is no longer you, and it no longer owns you. To say repent of your old ways has a couple of connotations.

1. You need to be honest, today is great day to start. Tell God that you have made a mess of your life and need him to come into your life and run it. Give it over to him, you were screwing it up anyway.
2. 2. He will begin to heal the wounds that have brought you to where you are now, but again, being honest and turning those things over to him will move that along quicker. My own personal experience was one of trying to fix things myself (it is the nature of man to do things on his own, regardless of how inexperienced and ineffectual we are at fixing ourselves.) God had to use someone else to reopen an old wound from my youth in order for me to see it and allow God to heal it. I honestly had no idea how to gain relief from the pain that wound caused me, and I had no idea that I had made agreement with it.
3. Break your agreements you have made with the enemy. As followers of Christ, one that studies the scripture, I know that I have an enemy and that he is trying to steal (everything from me) destroy me, and kill me in any way possible. I am hoping that this gives you some insight to understand that death and damage come in many ways and forms. I am not asking you to stay in relationships that are not safe, but to understand that the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune are designed by Satan himself; he merely uses people as tools to meet his end (and that is to take you out or out-of-the-way.)
4. If you have given Jesus Christ control of your life then you have a good heart. Jesus even describes you as a good tree and it is not the pattern of a good tree to produce bad fruit. I can give you a number of reasons to explain the biblical concept of a good heart, such as the Apostle Paul's statement that you are now flesh of his flesh and he is perfect.
5. As a follower of Christ you have a hope! A hope in what? That he will come and retrieve those that are his. He rose from the dead just to prove his point. He got collected back to the Father and he used that as an example of how adamant the Father is about upholding his word. He has spent the last two thousand plus years establishing that he is believable. He will come and gather us up; we call that the rapture.

Related articles

• The Departure (terryjamesprophecyline.com)
• Understanding the Basics of Christianity (christianity.answers.com)

You have a good heart, maybe.

One of the things you come to understand in reading Wild at Heart, by John Eldredge, is that you have a good heart. That is of course is contingent upon your relationship with Jesus Christ. (I have a tendency to learn and change my opinion as I write. I think one of the reasons that I write is that I am working through things in my head and heart. The goal of course is to produce more and better fruit, kind of like pruning, for Orange trees only produce fruit on new growth and pruning is the best way to evoke that new growth.)

I believe that the context for the good heart comes from multiple sources Matthew 12:35 or Luke 6:43-45 and Genesis 1:31.

Genesis 1:31 NASB God saw all (that included man in his image) that He had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.

Luke 6:43-45 NASB "For there is no good tree which produces bad fruit, nor, on the other hand, a bad tree which produces good fruit. (44) "For each tree is known by its own fruit. For men do not gather figs from thorns, nor do they pick grapes from a briar bush. (45) "The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart.

Luke 8:8 NASB "Other seed fell into the good soil, and grew up, and produced a crop a hundred times as great." As He said these things, He would call out, "He who has ears to hear, let him hear."

Luke 8:15 NASB "But the seed in the good soil, these are the ones who have heard the word in an honest and good heart, and hold it fast, and bear fruit with perseverance.

Matthew 12:35 NASB "The good man brings out of his good treasure what is good; and the evil man brings out of his evil treasure what is evil.

The English Revised version states it ­differently from all the others and yet makes a little more sense.

Matthew 12:35 ERV Those who are good have good things saved in their hearts. That's why they say good things. But those who are evil have hearts full of evil, and that's why they say things that are evil.

Notice the similar yet slightly different wording compared with Matthew's account. In both cases Jesus had refuted the Jews. In Matthews account he clearly called them vipers and I think it is safe to say that he fully intended to impress upon them that there was no good in them. (Keep an open mind about this no good part.)

In the nursery business you learn that some plants have to be protected from corrupting environments. Roses are particularly susceptible to nematodes, so they are grafted into a root-stock that is resistant to the nematodes and by itself does not produce the attractive flowers that people enjoy. Many plants and trees are like this, and make no other effort to do anything other than what their intended purpose is unless there is an outside influence.

In paralleling the heart to the good tree he is re-establishing that the heart was made good to begin with.

There is no denying that if God made the heart good there was a huge, over-arching change that took place, because we know through scripture that because of Adam's caving to temptation we all had to pay, and everyone is born in a broken condition.

Genesis 3:4-7 NASB The serpent said to the woman, "You surely will not die! (5) "For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." (6) When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was desirable to make one wise, she took from its fruit and ate; and she gave also to her husband with her, and he ate. (7) Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings.

Death, as you can imagine, came in so many forms that day. The heart changed and may have lost its innate goodness. It is an easy thing to say, their heart changed but I think it is wrong and removes their personal responsibility. God had already told them that the fruit contained knowledge of both good and evil. So really the knowledge of good is still embedded in the conflicted heart; Adam merely added evil to the mix.

As a side note: God blockaded man from accessing the tree of Life after this, why? Because had he not, some of the concepts we see in shows like Star Trek, where you run into someone who is eternal and blatantly evil. Outside of what imaginary portrayals give us, I suspect earth would have been a chaotic and deadly place to live; more so than what Genesis 6 shows us.

Genesis 6:1-8 NASB Now it came about, when men began to multiply on the face of the land, and daughters were born to them, (2) that the sons of God saw that the daughters of men were beautiful; and they took wives for themselves, whomever they chose. (3) Then the LORD said, "My Spirit shall not strive with man forever, because he also is flesh; nevertheless his days shall be one hundred and twenty years." (4) The Nephilim were on the earth in those days, and also afterward, when the sons of God came in to the daughters of men, and they bore children to them. Those were the mighty men who were of old, men of renown. (5) Then the LORD saw that the wickedness of man was great on the earth, and that every intent of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. (6) The LORD was sorry that He had made man on the earth, and He was grieved in His heart. (7) The LORD said, "I will blot out man whom I have created from the face of the land, from man to animals to creeping things and to birds of the sky; for I am sorry that I have made them." (8) But Noah found favor in the eyes of the LORD.

Allow me to fling something at you that might unwrap the events of Genesis 6.

If we take a passage, such as Genesis 1:5 NASB (God called the light day, and the darkness He called night. And there was evening and there was morning, one day.) and hang our hat on it, demanding that everyone bow to the six-day theory, then we ignore understanding and reason. The word day in the Hebrew is yom and expresses a time period. The concept of temporal, which is not expressed here, is measured or limited time, and God cannot be measured or limited, even science has proven that. Light bends and time has decelerated, just as Einstein suggested.

The things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal. 2 Cor 4.

So when we read of the events of Genesis we have no idea how long God allowed for things to transpire, only that the migration from one time frame to another was called a day, and it was good.

Add this into the mix.

Satan was thrown from heaven, Jesus told us that he witnessed this. But did his being thrown out exclude him access to God? No! Read the book of Job and you will see him action.

Job 1:6 NASB Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan also came among them.

(Keep this terminology in mind, it will come into play momentarily.)

Scripture tells us that he (Satan) is the accuser of the saints.

Revelation 12:10 NASB Then I heard a loud voice in heaven, saying, "Now the salvation, and the power, and the kingdom of our God and the authority of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brethren has been thrown down, he who accuses them before our God day and night.

This is a future event and not the one Jesus described earlier.

So Adam and Eve, given an undefined time frame, lived together in the garden, producing children. How do I know that? What did God say to her after the event that changed time to something temporal and defined?

Read it for yourself! -

Genesis 3:13-16 NASB Then the LORD God said to the woman, "What is this you have done?" And the woman said, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate." (14) The LORD God said to the serpent, "Because you have done this, Cursed are you more than all cattle, And more than every beast of the field; On your belly you will go, And dust you will eat All the days of your life; (15) And I will put enmity Between you and the woman, And between your seed and her seed; He shall bruise you on the head, And you shall bruise him on the heel." (16) To the woman He said, "I will greatly multiply Your pain in childbirth, In pain you will bring forth children; Yet your desire will be for your husband, And he will rule over you."

What an odd and incomprehensible statement to make to Eve unless she knew precisely what he was talking about, and she did. You do not hear her challenging God about his statement, as though she did not understand. She understood. To think that God operated differently with them suggests that they had no choice at all. It also suggests that their sexuality, an aspect that comes with these bodies we were given, was all tainted as well, and it was not.

 Given that they may have had a tremendous amount of time to explore each other prior to the fall, how many children did they produce? We do not know. If there were offspring from them prior to the fall, then those offspring had the same traits as the parents. (Think about trees again. The tree looks like the parent plant, including aspects of both.) What were their traits? We know that man was given dominion, and that alone made him Godlike. Adam communed with God and there is nothing to say that any offspring would not have followed the same path. We do know that there was no sin, as yet, and so nothing was tainted, until that day. On that day, death suddenly came upon everyone on the earth. Haven't you ever asked yourself, where did Cain get his wife? Or who were these people that he presumed would kill him? Why build a city if there is no one to live in it? And even God marked him to protect him, from who?

The book of Job places these Sons of God right along side Satan, in front of God, as Satan comes to accuse Job; doesn't that make them angels (perhaps fallen) as well. Why would God use the terminology if it meant something else? What if it implied, in Genesis 6, a race of Godlike people who are suddenly corrupted by sin, and yet still had the remembrances of their creative and Godlike abilities; abilities that we were designed, not to dominate men but “wilds” around them. Satan the corrupter would have quickly turned those Godlike qualities to evil, and that is exactly what we see in Genesis 6.

(I will not exclude the potential of angels inbreeding with the daughters of men but I struggle to find the clear definition in scripture. What I can see is my theory, deeply ensconced in scripture. - This concept of angels intermingling with men is spoken of by Dr. Chuck Misler, but I have not given it enough time to judge what he teaches so I stick with what I understand.)

Even with the flicker of good in his heart man only thought about the evil thing to do.

Genesis 1:31 NASB God saw all (that included man in his image) that He had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.

The loss of everyone and thing that you considered family, gone, stripped out of your hands.

Now the real plan begins.

Out of this mess one man stood out, Noah, and he found favor with the Lord. Did anyone else notice that it was not his wife or his children that got noticed, and yet they found favor also because Noah was the spiritual head. I never thought about this, in this way, before.

Let's jump back a minute. Luke 6:43-45 NASB "For there is no good tree which produces bad fruit...” God created the tree (man) and he made it good. He also gave man the ability to choose which path he wanted to follow. If Satan came only to steal, kill and destroy, and man follows that path, then who is man following? Satan, a fallen, condemned angel. So then the good tree, without being grafted in, gets planted in soil that is now filled with nematodes, or at the least things that are harmful to it, and though the tree and its functions have not changed it can do nothing other than produce bad fruit.

Paul spoke of us being grafted in -

Romans 11:16-19 NASB If the first piece of dough is holy, the lump is also; and if the root is holy, the branches are too. (17) But if some of the branches were broken off, and you, being a wild olive, were grafted in among them and became partaker with them of the rich root of the olive tree, (18) do not be arrogant toward the branches; but if you are arrogant, remember that it is not you who supports the root, but the root supports you. (19) You will say then, "Branches were broken off so that I might be grafted in."

The concept of the first piece, though in this case directed at Israel, also implies the creation, and certainly the first was holy. God was able to make the branches, Israel, holy through sacrifice and guidance, but God chose to graft us in too. The word indicating first in Greek is aparche and is a compound word, meaning: a beginning of sacrifice. Adam was the first, and he was perfect. His selfish actions infected the roots and we had to be grafted back into a non-infested rootstock, Jesus Christ. Because Jesus paid the price that Adam's treason demanded the only thing left is for us to accept Jesus Christ as our sacrifice and believe in him who raised Jesus from the dead. That means there is a God and the hope of a life with him is real. Surrounded by a sea of bad soil and nematodes waiting to corrupt the nature of our tree it is easy to become discouraged and not believe (bad fruit.)

If God created everything, and he did, then is it fair to say that the skilled nurseryman created it all perfect?

Is it fair to say that the cactus does not serve some purpose, display some beauty, and is perfect for its environment?

If God created all things perfect then he is capable of grafting you into the sound tree. A tree that is willing and ready to accept you and make you useful once again.

A heads up:

In the nursery business we took second year growth limbs. These were about the thickness of a pencil. After cutting and in a sense bruising the wood of the good stock we aligned the growth layers, the Cambium layer, of the stock plant and the plant that we are either trying to salvage or multiply. Why? Because the fruit that it produces is desirable and we know it has potential.

Are you beginning to understand that Christ did this for you, and that you are a plant worth salvaging and multiplying because you are worth it.

You are worth it.

If there been only you, you would have been worth it.

Since we last spoke

The mens' group at the church I attend had at least one man attend the “Band of Brothers” boot camp. He in turn began to get others excited about it. Many of us have decided that they wanted more and we have chosen to stop playing church and be the church God called us to be. More, seems to have come through the author John Eldredge.

Meeting in small groups, this is the first book that we, as a group, read, Wild at Heart Revised & Updated: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul by John Eldredge (Apr 19, 2011). I found this book to be a very emotional journey for me but you have to understand that I had reached a point in my life in which I had become desperately sick of the pain inside and the fear filled life I lived.

I am sharing this with you because the battle for the heart and mind is common to all of us. A friend of mine who had already been to this “boot camp” was very excited about the changes he was experiencing in his own life. I was hooked because something had to change inside of me and so I signed up immediately. In our meetings everyone of the men talked about the changes in their lives and marriages. Many were on the verge of divorce and God has restored these marriages. Even within the confines of a “church” there are many wounded.

Just prior to going to camp I was reading in John Eldredge's book Waking the Dead, that God will open wounds so that he can heal them. I knew immediately that I was going to have some big emotional wound ripped open, and I hoped I prepared for it.

As I read my bible, or lately one of John's books, I write as I feel inspired. I suppose some would call that journaling but I have never thought of myself as being one that journaled. Here is what I wrote and experienced while at the camp and after.

Although this is not an exclusive picture our group many of us signed up to go to the boot camp.

This was the last day we were there and we all wore the t-shirts we were given so that later we could take a group picture. 

 

In a way I did not know what to expect when I got there, but I knew what I heard and saw, in terms of changes, was something that I wanted and needed. Let me give you a heads up here. I am not some young, immature Christian; I have seen, heard and experienced just about everything, and I use this precept to judge the teachings that I run into. If you are staying close to scripture and building up the body of Christ then you have got my attention. Turn yourself into a Jim Jones or David Koresh and I am walking, and taking anyone that will listen with me. A full disclosure of what happens at camp was not coming but again it was the positive changes in men's lives that kept me focused.

To be honest, early into the process I received an email talking about how during free time, there would a golf contest, volleyball, and swimming in an ice cold pool. I wrote back that I would not be participating in those events. I had every intention of focusing on all that I could get out of this short time of rescue. I am remembering a line from a song that goes a little like this, “you don't know how desperate I have become.”

I included this picture to give you an idea of how beautiful and serene this place is. My hope is that if you need change in your life and do not mind being treated like a king for brief moments, then I am hoping that I do not spoil the adventure, for every Hobbit desires a grand adventure.

Here is what I wrote:

Friday 4/25

A couple of days before the boot-camp I read that God would reopen a wound in order to heal it. I wondered what form that would come in. I found out.

Friday mid morning, we were released from hours of teaching, exhortation and testimonies to a mandatory time of silence. The object of this is to speak to God internally, hear whatever he had to say back and write it down. Because of what my friend had told about his experience I expected that this first quiet time would be something that would really touch me deeply. That was not the case, and again I am thinking of a quote that I will botch. In the Chronicles of Narnia Aslan responded to a question about his actions with another character. His response was, “I am telling you your story, not hers.”

My first thought was, I wanted to be in earshot of the music that played constantly during waking hours because it seemed evoke a communication in me, but every where I turned there was somebody already there. I ended up sitting in the dirt next to a horse pasture for most of that time. When I finally moved back to a grassy area my heart began to open up.

That period of silence ended and I broke for lunch. I decided to sit with my friend and his group so I sat my books down and laid my jacket across a chair in close proximity. For some reason I looked back to see an associate pastor from my church move my stuff and take my place at the table. You want to talk about opening a wound. This act is an integral part of one of the biggest wounds I have.

Allow me to describe some of my wounding:

- I cannot tell you how old I was, around 10 or 12. We had gone to a church picnic with a friend of my father's from his youth. I was playing with that man's son and I think we were playing hide and seek. Some girl who happened to be in the park and wanted to play with us decided to ruin our game because we would not let her play in ours. She left us alone and about 10 minutes later my friend and I had quit and had gone to the bathroom to clean up. That girls monster of a brother came into the bathroom and slugged me in the face for hitting his sister. That girl lied.

My father's reaction: beat me and lock me in the car. My friend told them what had happened and I was eventually released from my prison with no remorse coming from my father.

- Raised in church my heart was wounded repeatedly. A man who had been a youth leader (but not over me) eventually, just prior to my being married, asked the woman I was to marry why she was going to marry that loser. The lady I eventually married thought I needed to know; I did not.

- My number two brother would lie about me and my father would beat me.

- I was always small in school and got pushed out of the way.

- Told by my mother that I was never to fight back, stripping me of my appropriate growth into manhood.
- Hearing my dad tell my mom that I would be tied to my mom's apron strings all my life and I had to hear that.
Far to often I mentally assented to the negative thoughts and they became a part of who I was. Doing the best I knew how my reaction was to reject anyone associated with that pain.
Why would that be important to you? Well, I happen to believe that we all go through life sustaining wounds and I care enough to try to prevent you from suffering for a lifetime.
Here is what happens when you do not address the wounds - Wounded men generally grow up to be big, angry, short fused men like me. (It seems to be taking me weeks to edit this and make it something of significance, and just now I realized another vow or decree that I have assented to, anger and a short fuse. Father, in the name of Jesus Christ I break the power of those words that I have agreed to over my life. I give that part of me over to you and give you the freedom to heal and restore the damage in me, completely and fully. Use those wounds to bring life and healing to others.)

Confronted by an onslaught of painful awareness I wrote:

Father, what do you want me to do? I cannot change the vile people around me but you can; the question is how?

How will you heal this wound in me?

My reactions have always been to move away to safer places and put distance between me and those that are not safe...

As I sat in the afternoon meeting running these things through my mind I feel like God asked me to identify how that act of pushing my stuff aside made me feel.
• Insignificant
• angry
• sickened
• like a child
• bullied
• disregarded
• unimportant
• abused
• and that I had no say.
  I heard this inside of me. Is a chair that important, there were others. Why attack me, and yes, I felt attacked.
• Betrayed
• violated.
  How did this pastor, one of my pastors, make you feel betrayed?
  • He is a leader, a role model, and he bullied me.
  • I watched as my friend notified him that he moved my stuff, for he then turned around and looked at me with a stupid smile. That seemed like a noble move from my friend but 10 minutes later that same friend is defending the man by saying he did not know it was me. Should that have made a difference? I do not think so and told my friend that I would not have moved your stuff.

I heard God's voice ask me this question,

“Why is this important?” and then he said:

“These things have become strongholds in your life and mind, and I want to heal them. Consider how you were willing to push your friend away. I am going to make it very clear to you how to deal with these things. Son, you have a good heart, do not let the trials rob you of that. I have given you insights into my word and heart that few have ever seen, not because they are not worthy but because you have pursued me. You have pursued my heart and I will honor you for that. You are familiar with my voice and recognize when I am speaking. Because you have desired a greater anointing I will bring it. (John 7:38) He that believes on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water. Keep your eyes set on me for I will soon raise you up. It is important to keep you head clear, humble and focused on me.”

An addendum to my list:

I realized that something was missing, passivity. The majority of my life has been spent reacting with nothing! When I finally react it is with an explosive anger. Neither of these traits are what I want to have defining who I am.

Friday nights meeting.

The question was raised in the session, “How do you respond around people that have money, success, and power through business?”

My internal response: poorly.

I have been asking myself why since I heard this.

Saturday morning:

Walking over to get coffee God stopped me about halfway along this path and showed me an image from my childhood. I saw both of my parents and they were talking negatively about anyone who had any measure of success, especially an uncle who worked very hard and sacrificed much to get what he had. I am not sure but I believe that all my attitudes, fear, and discomfort about success came from those words and actions that I witnessed.

I must and will break the power of these vows or curses over my life. 

Saturday 08:30

Son-ship. The restoration of the Father to the son is the most important mission that we find in the bible. We are those sons. Jesus is the elder brother.

Slaves – live in fear.

Orphans – live independently.

Sons – have ownership by heritage.

Saturday 10:30

Warfare. You are in a battle – warfare, and you must resist.

The battle shows up primarily in these forms:

• Distortion
• Destruction
• Lethargy
• Tiredness
• Mental anguish
• and physical problems

Be aware that so much of our battle is internal and emotional. Why? Satan knows what our weaknesses are and he is going to hit you in the places that you are weak.

(A condemning voice in my head tells me “you don't believe that.” Trust me on this, we all have a commonality, our heads, so I am convinced that you hear it too. I heard myself respond with, What about Job? Satan presented himself before God and pointed out Job's failures.) This entire conversation occurred in my head, or should I say heart.

The good heart can be taken out of the fight when we believe the lies of the deceiver.

I realize that I had not mentioned the good heart aspect as yet. In reading Wild at Heart and Waking the Dead, by John Eldredge, he speaks along the lines of the impact of Christ's death and resurrection and its impact on us. If you have chosen to accept Christ into your life then you have been made new. That means your heart is now good. You can waste your time trying to argue with me but that is essentially what we find in scripture. We religious folk have been well trained to believe the lie that the heart is wicked above all things, but that is not the case, and it is a lie of the devil.

Jesus said, Luke 6:45 A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.

What is it that makes a man good? Clearly a good man has a good heart because Jesus said so. You cannot have salt water and fresh come out the same spring at the same time. So there has to be a delineation.

2Co 5:17 Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.

If I am a new creature, created in Christ Jesus, then my heart is good regardless of momentary glitches.

The enemy brings lies, whether they be about relationships, spiritual life, or interactions. These are merely probing shots until you come into agreement with the lies and then they become your reality.

Here it is Friday 5/3/2013 almost a week away from the serenity and safety of camp, and I am being lazy watching a movie when a commercial comes on the television for a dating web site. The thought that popped in my head was, “Why should I bother, I am wounded and who would want me.” Mere seconds passed when God spoke to my heart and pointed out how I had made agreement with that lie for most of my life, but especially over the last 19 years. In that moment I said out loud, I break the power of my agreement with the lies of woundedness over my life. It was a very emotional moment for me as I moved toward freedom.

John 10:9-10 I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture. (10) The thief comes not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy:

I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

1Jn 5:19 And we know that we are of God, and the whole world lies in wickedness.

(If you have seen the movie The Matrix, that is the theme, the entire world lying in darkness.)

The thief comes for one purpose, to kill, steal, and destroy. 24/7

To kill – that can happen in a multitude of ways. Your life so disrupted you can be considered effectively dead. The other is physical death. The result is the same, you are removed out of the way.

To steal – To have something taken from you. This is extremely deep and required more thought than I gave it at the time. Just as I was typing I thought of women who have had any number of things taken from them: their virginity, a baby by abortion, and their sanity.

To destroy – Bombed, blasted, broken, busted, unusable in its current condition, without being rebuilt.

Father, show me the agreements I have made over my own life.

Do not let anyone or anything steal your ticket to heaven.

Still under the heading of WARFARE.

Continuing to break the power of agreements against myself. (These are primarily of my own doing, sort of.) Father, give me a clarity about the things that I have given the right to restrain me.

I began to name both people and concepts - words that I given my strength to.

While I wrote several things, one that I feel like sharing with you was the word joy. I had relinquished joy in my life. It is clear to me why I did it but it was an agreement that robbed me of life.

By the power in the name of Jesus I am taking back my joy.

Saturday Evening

The topic was “The beauty”

The concept behind this is that a part of our motivation for living is to rescue the beauty. Perhaps it is true that we all desire to live in the fairy tale world, or our life in Christ is more like the fairy tales than we chose to believe.

What do I mean? Even the fairy tales are based in the moral principles of God's word.

We men are not to be looking to women for validation. Validation comes only from God and our relationship with him.

(I am adding this for clarity. Look up the word validity and you find definitions that include: the force to convince; justness; soundness, and value. I did just that, twice. I am not clear on where I got the idea that I would gain some advantage over my pains by finding someone with strengths that I neither saw in myself or my example, my mother. It seems that those things I saw in her were merely used against me, as she was wounded too. Looking back, this statement is true, my value and soundness can only come from God. Some will read this and scoff, thinking they are self-made men and need no one. In other words, you are in control. There in the problem lies and the day will come when you awaken. Pray that it is not to late when you do, or as you watch another marriage crumble at your feet and you are completely defenseless to stop it, because you are in control, not God.)

So here I am at quiet time again. My butt hurts so bad from sitting that I am standing as I write. Here is the thing. There is no woman in my life at this time. Why? I walked out, sick of fighting for her, and yet here I am wishing she could see the amazing beauty of this place.

Someone made a soundtrack and it plays continuously around the main areas of the grounds. It is from the movie “The Last of the Mohicans”. This is one of my favorite movies and there is something about this music that just lifts my soul and causes me to magnify God. It also happens to be a part of the soundtrack on the ride “Soarin” at Disney's California Adventure. The ranch is 400 acres and the grounds are as immaculate as some of the finest golf courses. The sun will be setting in about an hour and the Oaks and Willows are casting long shadows. I am surrounded by rolling hills that appear to have been manicured. Many have a golden hue and there are cows along with their calves grazing on them.

Sunday Morning

My last day here.

Out of bed by 0600 and walking the distance to the fire pit by 0615. Several times now God has stopped me here to talk with me. I am going to miss these walks. 

 

These walks put me in what seems like the center of the valley. It is the kind of scene that makes a painter paint. This morning the north end of the valley had a cloud blanket lying lightly across it. I found myself asking if heaven was anything like this. Perhaps the garden was; I do not know the answer to that. Even with all this beauty there are still the interactions with others, and though we are establishing that our hearts are good, we are all in the process of transformation, some just a little slower than the others.

How my heart screams to be free. I long so much for the life that Christ promised.

What did Jesus say? “I have come that they may have life and more abundantly.

Does that abundant life have anything to do with money? Some would have you think so. When you are poor your answer can still be both yes and no, for the poor can be defeated not believing that money should do anything more than provide for daily needs and yet may be the driving force that motivates them to obtain and horde.

Jesus asked why we worry about tomorrow because he takes care of the birds.

I looked up the Greek word for abundantly when I got home. It is perissos and means over and above, or more than necessary. One of the churches I attended preached this wealth message constantly and the pastor bragged about the cost of his suits, his golfing trips to Scotland, and how he and his wife would not eat in the low class places I frequent. I no longer attend there because I do not believe that this is what Jesus meant at all. Think about it; when he sent out the disciples, two by two, what did he tell them? Don't take much with you at all. The implication: God will provide more than you need. As people took them for the night they were fed and and given a place to sleep. In return they healed the sick, preached the good news of the kingdom of God, and cast out devils, bringing a healing to wounds.

I am two weeks away from boot camp and I have been watching my own changes.

No I am still not dedicated to a daily regimen of prayer time, but I communicate with God constantly. It is his voice that reminds me when I make stupid, binding agreements with Satan's vows, and I quickly take authority over them.

I am going to give you the good with the bad, because I want you to understand reality.

My first day back at work (the next day) started off well. It seemed to me that I was praying and talking with God for several hours, but then the stress levels started to rise, as they always do at work and I heard this negativity going off in my head and then I heard myself agreeing to it. God stopped me and said, “Dude, what are you doing?” In tears I repented of that agreement and broke the power of it over me in Jesus name.

You need to understand something here. Did my “breaking the power of it” prevent Satan from ever coming back at me with that garbage again? Not at all. He operates 24/7 and Revelation calls him the accuser of the brothers (the church). He is relentless and by the power of the Holy Ghost I will be too.

The following Sunday evening I was headed to one of my sisters to be a part of her little bible study and prayer group. I stopped at a taco place to grab a quick bite. I cannot stand this particular establishment. The service is always slow and inattentive, and during the school week the place is filled with rude high schoolers. Off to a freaky start I am waiting for them to call my name when some deeply wounded little man creates a huge scene because his order was wrong. Although they fixed it he opted to grab a handful of plastic forks and throw them at the people behind the counter. Out of character for me I snapped and went after the guy. By this time he is almost ready to close his car door when I blasted out of the door after him. He says, “you got something to say!”. To which I responded you bet I do, now get out of that car and go back in there and apologize you jerk. (I am cleaning this up for you.) Of course he did not and I did not think he would. It did not take but a few seconds to realize what a futile effort this was and I started to turn and walk away. At this point he says, “you want a fight, you got it!” and starts to get out of the car. I am six foot four inches tall and weigh 270 pounds, you really do not need to anger me. I cannot tell you how fast I was back in his face and how fast he scurried back into the safety of his car where his daughter has been sitting. More wasted ugly words and I left.

Was there much about that scene that said, Wow, Ozzie, you really changed? Not immediately, but there were some things that were significant that I noticed right away. All that I did is so far out of my character you would not have believed it was me.

Truth time: When I got out of high school I was five foot seven inches and weighed 137 lbs, and afraid of everything. I think it is safe to say that the kid that graduated high school, with all his insecurities and fears has been living in me ever since. Imagine that fearful aspect of me getting married. I think I hoped that marriage would be the thing that allowed that kid to grow up, in many ways. Two years out of high school I grew. I was still skinny but I began to toughen and I climbed poles for the phone company. I became like rawhide on the inside and would not take anything off of anyone anymore. What changed? The outside of me. The anger was still there, for I was deeply wounded, but all I was going to show you was fury.

I have tried to bury that anger and fury in religion but the wounds have always been there. I am now 59 years old and busted up. The fury is pointless anymore and allowing it to control my life merely drives people away, and I am painfully aware of how lonely life can be without friends. Hence, going to boot camp was to me like Alcoholics Anonymous, where you take an honest assessment of a life, that you have been trying to live for yourself, and give it over to God, because you cannot do this at all, or alone.

I made it to my sisters that night and told them what I did. Not so much as a confession to them but to God.

If you do not stay open and honest then you become trapped in the lies and deception of the enemy, and he will rob you of any heart that you thought you had. Your world will collapse around you and you will lie in bed sobbing, wondering why did this happen and how can it be fixed.

It happened because you gave up your armor and stopped being a warrior. This has nothing to do with how physical you can be. Jerks that slap their wives or girlfriends around physically or verbally are nothing more than severely injured children buried inside of the body of a fat ass that refuses to look outside of himself.

The only way to regain that armor and rearm yourself is to repent of taking control of your life and give it back to God. You only messed it up anyway. Begin to seek his guidance in identifying the wounds and asking him to heal them. And above all do not do this alone. You are in battle; a battle for your heart and your soul, and no military training in the world will teach you to operate alone. You have to operate as though you are on a fire team with others holding back the enemy with suppressive fire as a medic tends to your wounds. No man gets left behind in this battle if I can help it. We desperately need others to cover our backs.

It was not until the next morning after the taco incident that my head got clear enough for God to get through.

Here is what he said, “You reacted quickly! Admirable but foolish and misdirected.” (I understood immediately what he was telling me.) “I do not want you to think of yourself as a warrior so much as a para-rescuer. Those men have the ability to kill and yet their purpose and directive is primarily to find, rescue, and restore, and that is exactly what I want you to do. I have far to many men like you out there that have been taken captive and are suffering from severe wounds to lose you to a foolish act of aggression. I want you to pray for that man and I will move the heavens to rescue him. Pray that someone he will listen to comes into his path and it will be done. I want you to respond with that kind of speed to the wounded. Did you notice the lack of fear in you as you move forward and dealt with that man?” I answered, yes sir, I did, and I do not understand what or why that happened, for that too has been an draw back with me for my entire life. God said, “You asked me to remove the fear and I have.” I was in tears, just as I am now, when he said these things to me.

The following Saturday we Band of Brothers had a mini-reunion. It was awesome. As I stood with a group of guys one begins to speak about his brother, a Christian that is torn up and struggling. I stopped everyone, at the Holy Spirit's prompting and asked the man his name. I then stuck out my hand toward him and he took it. I ordered the others to place theirs on top of ours and we prayed change and healing over this broken brother. I told them, if we are to call ourselves warriors then this is how we do it. I have no doubt that the Holy Spirit of God was talking deeply to men's hearts that day. I reiterated this once more to another group of men, and you can tell when you have their attention, and God did.

One other thing happened that I will share and then I am out of here for now.

Thursday 5/09/13. A man I work with came up to and said hi. That seems kinda low key, but we have had a few conversations, mostly about three years ago, in which he claimed to be a Christian also. We have not talked much since beyond merely saying hi in passing. I was surprised and asked why he stopped to talk with me. (Merely talking on the sales floor is not the best idea as they like you working.) He said, “I just wanted to say hi and see how it was going with you.” I told him that would consider this a God appointment and said, actually it is going fantastic for me. I told him about the camp and how I had chosen to give God control of my life once again. I told him about this process of healing that I am going through and how much God is changing me. As I talked he kept wiping tears from his eyes. He is deeply wounded and it is clear to me that God brought him there to me, because God had prepared my heart and I had made myself available for God to use.

I do not know what tomorrow holds but I know it is filled with excitement and I have never felt so alive. Jesus said, out of your belly will flow rivers of living water. I could never quite get a handle on that, and still can't but I long for the river. I also know that the disciples were baptized with the Holy Ghost and fire, and I long for the fire. If it's listening to God and doing the things he commanded: heal the sick, raise the dead, make the lame walk, and preach that there is a good news to this kingdom of God, then I want it.

Bring the fire Lord.

Turn your life over to Jesus Christ, God, and allow him to change you and heal you.