Why do I write?
I think it started as
a desire to understand God. Having spent all those years growing up
in the church I am painfully aware of what the religious folk taught
me, but I needed to know for myself. I am really quite excited about
what I have found, because I either had to or chose to look for
myself.
On the one hand I
could easily say I was lied to, but the truth is that they only tried
to impress upon me the concepts that had been passed along to them
(perhaps they were trying to make reality something they thought
children could understand). I do not think that excuses those in
authority from reading the truth themselves and passing along a
correct understanding. Read the scriptures, you will find that God
speaks consistently, with some anger, about shepherds that lead the
flock astray. Why? Because it allows the flock to be destroyed.
As I think about the
time frame, I have systematically been reading God's Word about eight years.
Someone recently said to me, “you know so much about the bible.”
I do not feel that way, and my mind is not retaining the locations of
passages anymore, but then when you think about the time you have
invested, you should have a better understanding than the average
religious person who allows someone else to prescribe their theology
(I almost hate that word theology because one the “Christian” radio
stations I listen to flings the word around like a club to inflict you. It merely
means your concepts and understanding of God, and how you apply them to
your life.)
There were so many
things going on prior to this change in me. I had been involved with
a mega church where I operated computer driven projection screens
that the audience saw. While some look at people who do things like
this as icons, what goes on in the background is far to often filled
with extraordinary stresses, most of which come from power-driven
pastors and their staff. Sadly, I left there in a rage, never went
back, and fell into a non-church going depression for about a year.
What changed that
stage of my life had a lot to do with a church I used to go to that
was doing a building project, and I got involved. Once the church was
built I stayed there. Out of work, I involved myself in various Bible
studies and groups and I began, once again, to experience a growth
spurt in the Lord.
Each of the bible
studies usually gave you a clue about what to expect for the
following week, so I would read ahead. Although I was not even close
to being the leader, I have always had the wish to lead, and would
prepare for when the need arose. Perhaps it was the preparation, or
perhaps it was the fact that my being ready gave me some insights to
share, but I did get several opportunities, and gained some respect
from a small handful of people. Since nothing has ever come easily
for me, why should this be any different. I watched, as people with
the ability to schmooze the pastor gained bible teaching positions in
the church while having no understanding of the Word, teaching
garbage and someone else's opinion.
I have always had a
desire to understand end times events, and like everyone else,
reading the Revelation, Daniel, or Ezekiel had my head spinning (I am
now quite sure that the “head spin” had much to do with trying to
understand by using the conjecture taught me when I was younger.)
There used to be a
man running around the country named Hilton Sutton. He would speak on
end times in a way that fascinated me, but I would walk away just as
lost. Attempts at reading and understanding these things just muddied
up the water even more. It was not until I came across a book called
the Islamic Antichrist that things began to have meaning. Names,
places, and characters within the Revelation suddenly began to make
sense.
While others around me seem to struggle, I will tell you that I am
not confused (occasionally I can be, especially when someone decides
to assert an improper dominance and force their ill-formed concept
down your throat.)
A man who is part of
a Bible study I attend pushes some poorly researched ideas about the
Millennial reign. It is your right to have opinions, but to shove
them down someone’s throat as theology, is not your right. When you
do that you set yourself up as god, knowing what is best, and you
will be judged accordingly.
1
Corinthians 3:11-13 KJV For
other foundation can no man lay than that is laid, which is Jesus
Christ. Now if any man build upon this foundation gold, silver,
precious stones, wood, hay, stubble; every man's work shall be made
manifest: for the day shall declare it, because it shall be revealed
by fire; and the fire shall try every man's work of what sort it is.
No, I do not have all
this memorized, but my mind clings to concepts, and one of the things
education will do for you is to teach you to do research. I am not
the best at it, but comparing resources and original texts I can gain
an understanding, and hopefully share that with you. Therefore, if I
am given time I will come back to you with a definitive answer. If I
cannot give you an answer like that, then I will lead to the truth of
God’s Word, and allow Him to enlighten you.
Writing helps me to
clarify things that bring me confusion. Confusion is not of God, and
in case you were not aware, God is not trying to confuse anyone who
reads the Revelation. It is a book that was meant to be understood
and there is a special blessing upon those that pursue that
understanding.
Writing has given me
a framework from which to ask questions. I can develop those
questions without reproach, obtaining answers just as if God were
speaking directly to me, and there many times in which I feel that he
is. I am safe in discussing my doubts, griefs and misunderstandings
with God. No one rebuffs me for having doubts or erratic ideas.
Even though I write
to understand the Father, I find it also gives me a better
understanding of myself. Work is filled with daily stresses;
investing time in God’s word helps me to keep my head on straight.
Yes, I have had experiences with mental health professionals (I do
not recommend you judge me at this point. Just because you either
had better parenting than I had, or you choose to self-medicate. You
are no better than me, and you need to understand that in a big
hurry.) Counseling gave me some tools to help me understand why I
react the way I do. They told me that I was passive aggressive. What
that means: my tendency is to merely take the abuse, no matter what
the form, until I could not take it anymore, then I turn into a
angry, raging, monster. The worst part is that you have to deal with
the carnage you leave behind, and I hate cleaning up. I learned that
I have to talk about how I feel so that I do not merely retain a
continuing stream of pain, and writing gives me a venue to discuss
that pain and anger. If you are not aware, God can handle your anger
and pain. My problem is that I did not take it to him either.
For all the reasons I
write I suppose the bottom line is, writing builds a trust in me. I
have come to trust and understand that God is trustworthy and
therefore I can trust him. I have gone through doubts, and so did
the Apostle Paul. Read 1 Corinthians 15 where he talks about the idea
that what we are doing, this living a righteous life, is in vain,
unless this hope we have in Jesus, and all that he entails, is true,
and it is. He had to sort these things out for himself. Do you not
understand that Paul’s training would have fought against the grace
of God, and that grace is Paul’s main theme throughout scripture. I
have learned that God is a god of mercy, that grace rules my life,
that there is freedom in Him and yet I choose not to offend others,
so that they may come to know that same grace. I have come to
understand that God is true and trustworthy. His word is
comprehensible and that he desires us to understand who He is.
It is by writing that
I have come to understand that Jesus is God.
