A two year veteran of recovery, and battling depression

Angry Talk (Comic Style) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If you have followed me for any time then you know that two years ago I humbled myself and placed myself in Celebrate Recovery. I did this because I had allowed myself to become consistently enraged. Sadly, this was not something I could keep hidden, and I lost a job due to expressing my displeasure at a manager. Fortunately a friend pointed out that I needed help. Thus began a lifelong journey. I call it a lifelong journey because I really do not know anyone who has it altogether, nor do I know anyone in recovery who believes they are permanently healed. Sure, they may act like it for moments at a time, but they are merely good actors.

Part of this journey I am on included several trips to a John Eldredge inspired Band of Brothers boot camp. The idea and hope were that the camp would be life changing; while it dug up a multitude of wounds that needed attending too, the most significant thing that happened was that God directed me to a man who eventually brought me to recovery. Almost immediately I got signed up for a twelve step group. In the group, because I was challenged by a barrage of difficult and soul-searching questions, I decided that being painfully honest in my answers would be the best course of action, and bring about the best chance of healing. To be honest, the process of getting through what I thought was the only issue, took about a year. Slowly the rage began to subside, and then something overwhelming happened, I began to see all the codependent issues in me that fed the anger (I am aware that they have been there most of my life). It took my breath away.

I am now a two-year veteran of recovery, and battling depression associated with the codependency. I believe this depression, like the anger, is the result of unresolved issues, things I am powerless over. When I describe how I feel, I often feel more lost, as most have no idea what I am going through. Those that have not experienced depression will rarely be able to understand. A friend of mine recently told me that many of the things that cause us grief, are real. While that may be, I also have what I call voices in my head. These voices sound like my dad, my mom, ex wives, religious themes and in general they berate me, telling me that I am a loser, that I screwed up again, and that I have no value. The voices typically are contrary to what I see in God's word, and they are designed to make me feel anything other than what God's word tells me.

Just telling you about it seems to cause one of those voices to rise up, telling me that, you, the reader, will also turn against me. As I sat last evening, trying to flesh this theme out in my head, I vocalized it to my girlfriend. In doing so I said something that is probably a desperate truth – I am not alone, and God has allowed me to go through this discomfort and sometimes despair, because He believes I can handle it, and knows that I will write about it. So I quickly realized that negativity is one of those weapons we are to guard against with this shield of faith we believers wear.

Let's talk about this armor for a moment. Instead of mentally taking it off every night as some imply they do, why not assume that it is an aspect of your life in Christ, and like a knight of something like the round table, presume that your calling and job is for life. Your armor is custom fitted and there is no need to take it off. Besides, should you need it, there is no time to redress yourself, so merely live in it. Now should you need to remind yourself that it is still on, there is no penalty, except for loud clang as the enemies arrows bang into your breastplate. Perhaps you can take that as a wake up call.

To put some reality to the voices I will give you an example. This one was inadvertently and recently added to the repertoire. I, at one of my meetings, (I am in leadership at two recovery groups) stood up along with a lady, to give out chips marking milestones in our recovery. The chip given most often is the welcome/new comer/fresh start chip. I have several of these. My addiction is no easier to overcome than the next guys, and at one point I was going on six months without getting enraged at someone. I was so proud of myself. As I sit in meetings and watch people who have been addicted to horrible things, go up and get a chip for years of sobriety, I think to myself, I want that too. Sadly, I discovered how easy it is to simply make a choice to relapse. In other words, I allowed myself the freedom to rage once again, and had to start over. I wish I could tell you what that did to my head. I was so disappointed in myself, because taking another chip indicating that you are starting over can be a humbling and difficult moment, even when people are telling you that you are exhibiting incredible bravery and demonstrating the willingness to be a victor when you do this. I believe that if your heart is right, and you want help, then yes, you just overcame once again. Back to my female partner in passing out chips. As I stopped myself from my typical impromptu speech about our choice to pick ourselves up again and move forward, I said, “and I am taking a chip to start afresh on my journey to recovery over anger.” She immediately, in front of everyone, said, “you have quite a collection of those.” Inwardly I was crushed, but outwardly I laughed it off because I am standing there now exposed in front of the group. We have talked about this, but the voice still remains, as well as my collection of chips. And though I should be picking up another blue chip, I cannot bring myself to add another to my collection just yet. In the midst of this mess - yes, I have my moments of despair - God began to speak to me. Fortunately, I am accustomed to hearing God's voice and I recognize it; it even speaks louder than the negative voices most of the time.

Since this is actually my attempt at screwing my head back on straight I have to integrate this with scripture, and, in a sense, a bible study. So here goes.

About 38 years ago, I was angry, depressed, and drinking a lot. One day my dad asked me if I wanted to go to a men's retreat with him. Since I knew they had a swimming pool and they feed you well, I opted to go. I think this was the first time I heard Jerry Savelle speaking. Over the years I have backed away from Jerry and others like him, but there at camp God used Jerry to get my attention. The next time he spoke I moved up to the front row. That day he compelled us to stand, act like men, and repeat what he said. It is what he had us say, and how my heart responded to it, that changed my life.

Here is a representation of what he had us verbalize:

• I am what the Word of God says I am.

  What does that mean if you do not know what the word of God says about you. It also impacts you, because as you find out what God says about you, you begin to understand his character. Above all else, He loves you
• I have been chosen by him

  You come to find out that God had his heart set upon you before the world began. You can find multiple references for this idea. 1Thessalonians 1:4,5
• Made in His image

  Ephesians 2:10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus
• Because I am in him, I am holy and blameless before him.

  Colossians 1:22 ESV he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him,
• Adopted into the family.

  Ephesians 1:5 ESV he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will,
• He designed me to show his glory.

  Ephesians 1:12 ESV so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory.
• I have been redeemed by his blood.

  Revelation 5:9 EMTV …. because You (Jesus) were slain, and You redeemed us to God by Your blood, out of every tribe and language and people and nation;
• I am not of this world.

  Ephesians 2: 1-6
• All things are working together for my good

  Even if I cannot see it. Romans 8:28 EMTV And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

This went on for several minutes. By the time we got done I felt like I was a changed person on the inside. Although, in honesty, several years later, due to my codependency, and marital issues, I pulled away from God for about ten years, and no, they were not all good as some would say, but I can tell you that I was very much aware that God was right there waiting for me to turn around and run to him.

I hope you understand what I mean when I say, I have run into far too many pharisees in my life, therefore I always feel like I have to define everything (even to write this is partly a response to the voices in my head.) Do you see how the enemy works, because the voices sound very much like the negativity people have shoved in my face.

All of the words we said that morning were God's words and you find an aspect of them in almost every letter Paul wrote. But Paul was not the first and only one to write like this; these words of encouragement are found in every book of the bible.

Psalms 139:1-4 MKJV To the Chief Musician, A Psalm of David. O Jehovah, You have searched me and have known me. (2) You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. (3) You search my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways. (4) For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O Jehovah, You know it altogether.

Jeremiah 29:11 KJV For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

When you think about people you can look to as an example of life done right, who comes to mind? What is your basis for success? For me, they have to be people who are real, made mistakes, and yet God still loved them. Fortunately, the bible is filled with real people, who came out of very dysfunctional households, and yet God still loved them, moved through their lives, and called them a success. King David was one of those.

If you will take the time to study David's life you will find it filled with human emotion and error. However, you find that David kept coming back to one thing, his relationship with Jehovah. He often poured out his heart with tears to the Lord, and sometimes those tears were in response to getting caught. Through it all God called him a man after His own heart, and those words are the ones that ring true to me. I am constantly asking and wondering, especially after seeing his failures, what was different about David. I believe he never stopped loving God, and therefore neither will I.

A heads up: The story of David really begins with an old but powerful prophet named Samuel. So I suggest you begin your reading in 1 Samuel 16.

Related articles

• 4 Ways to Defuse Your Anger Before It Blows Up Your Career
• Anger_2
• Anger - CATEGORIES (Part 8)
• Vitamin D Deficiency and Depressive Symptomatology in Psychiatric Patients Hospitalized with a Current Depressive Episode: A Factor Analytic Study
• Looks like I did it again: Codependency recovery
• From "Codependent Job" by Jen "Pecos" Boddent
• You and your spouse's shared email is about codependency, not cohabitation | Megan Carpentier
• Broken Agreements: How to Manage Conflict in Relationships.
• Mary Oliver on How Differences Bring Couples Closer Together | Brain Pickings

Comparing my life to a Veggie Tales movie

Recently I have compared my life to a Veggie Tales movie, Larry Boy and the Rumor weed. The weed, much like a dandelion, has a tremendous tap root that must be removed completely or it can come back incessantly. If you are a reader of my blog then you know that I am an advocate of Celebrate Recovery, and that I have gained a tremendous amount of help by participating in a 12-step group. Do not be deceived, attending Celebrate Recovery does not cure anything, but it does direct you to Jesus Christ and it is in him where we find hope and healing.

Recently I was reading Isaiah and this got my attention.

Isaiah 42:3 A bruised reed shall he not break, and the smoking flax shall he not quench: he shall bring forth judgment unto truth.

This passage took on a deep meaning for me one day as I heard a speaker describing how they took a pastor friend to the mall with the intent of diverting his thoughts from some deep emotional pain he was suffering. As the two walked, they came across a card store and went in. The struggling pastor was shown a card that had this verse on it. He looked at it, paused, and said, the problem is, in most cases, we cannot tell when the reed is bruised. More was said, but my mind was locked onto this last sentence.

If you have spent anytime in the Word, you should realize that the "he" in this verse is Jesus as he comes to heal and comfort you. Jesus will not break you in your wounded state.

This verse is a sharp contrast to an analogy given by a pastor whose teaching I once sat under (He is no longer my pastor, nor anyone else’s' anymore.) This pastor spoke about how the shepherd would train a sheep that continued to stray by intentionally breaking its leg. The look on my pastors’ face, his body language, and the sound associated with the imagery as he made the motions with his hands drove me back in my seat in revilement and disgust. I can remember thinking I would not serve a God like that, nor would I ever tell someone that this was even remotely how God operated, because it is not.

You may not be able to see the bruises that I carry, and have for years, but they are there, and no, even though I have been in recovery for a while they are not all gone. Over the years, I tried to gain some degree of relief by talking to people about the hurt I was feeling. I lost count of how many times people turned their backs to me and found someone more entertaining to talk to, it just happened the other day.

You see, there-in lies the problem, for you cannot see emotional bruises and some physical bruises can be well hidden, therefore we often dismiss the claims of others. I believe that to be fair I must consider that not every incident I perceived as rejection was intentional. I have to give this kind of grace, because it is what I wish to receive as I stand before Jesus to account for my inappropriate responses, and I have one person in particular that jumps into my mind. Look, I have not even been able to fix myself, and find myself overwhelmed by the internal damage this person describes.

I decided to see how many times the Holy Spirit makes mention of bruising in the bible. What I was led to was the Hebrew definition of the word bruised: “ratsats” – and it means to crush or oppress. Because I have a horticulture background, my mind envisions a long flower stem that I may have wanted as part of a floral display, but somewhere along the way that stem may have been crushed, and if severe enough, the stem could be completely folded-over. I suppose all this has to do with the severity of the damage. If the damage affects the plant’s ability to move essential moisture and nutrients up through the plant, then a bent stem could restrict life from continuing up through the stem and at minimum, would die. Since we cannot typically see how broken a person is, how do we know how much damage they have sustained; we cannot, and therefore must rely on the Holy Spirit.

If I look at the word from the other angle, “to oppress”, then it takes on an entirely new meaning because there is intentionality in oppression.

Webster’s dictionary: 1. To load or burden with unreasonable impositions; to treat with unjust severity, rigor or hardship; as, to oppress a nation with taxes or contributions; to oppress one by compelling him to perform unreasonable service. 2. To overpower; to overburden; as, to be oppressed with grief.

The world seems to be focused on bullying lately, and oppressing people is exactly what bullies do. I will let you in on a dirty, little, secret. Bullies are everywhere, even in church. Do not misunderstand me, that does not make them bad (at least as far as a relationship with God is concerned), but being at church does not make them safe, and they, like most of us that are damaged, had bad role models and are merely emulating their teachers. I can assure you that there are people at that church that would give their lives for you to protect you if they saw someone hurting you, but they are rare, and most people are into self-preservation.

The Hebrew word “ratsats” shows up only 19 times. Not much if you are trying to establish a pattern of usage or interpretation. Of those nineteen times, only two are translated as bruised, the majority lean toward oppressed or broken. That tends to force us to look at this passage in terms of oppression or brokenness.

I took a job recently, after being out of work for eight months, that though described as seasonal, I had hoped would become permanent. I survived two months. Now do not get me wrong, even though I am sixty years old, I still run circles around most of the younger ones. The secret to that is a work ethic that says, there is no free lunch and so you work not play. I quickly found out that my manager took delight in dishing out mental oppression as a motivator. His dad did it to him and so it must be appropriate for everyone else. Let me assure you, it is not. Although I got injured there, I truly enjoyed and valued many of the people I interacted with, but I came to the conclusion that I value myself enough to not subject myself to a daily regimen of inappropriate threats. I had recently commented to my girlfriend, I cannot believe that I let that guy get into my head like that, and yet, it makes all the sense in the world because of how I was raised.

I have come to realize that the damage inside me goes very deep, and I am not sure how to extract the root so that it dies and never bothers me again. The problem is, I cannot do it (I tried for years), and I am not even sure what I am looking for, but Jesus does.

In the midst of emotional trauma, it is easy to feel unloved and unwanted. What you need to know at times like that, more than anything else is that no matter what your relationship status with God is, He (God) loves you. He loved you so much that He allowed his own Son to die in your place, purchasing your life back from an enemy that cares nothing about you, hates you, and is making every effort to destroy you. God has tattooed your face in the palms of His hands, that is how much he cares about you. You are ever before his face.

Isaiah 49:16 Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;

If you have heard of the term apologetics, then you must know that you are not apologizing for anything, but on the contrary, you are defending, with vigor and intelligence, what you know from scripture to be right. One of the dominant aspects of scripture that has convinced many is the fact that God / Jesus did exactly what they said they would do. Jesus told his disciples that he would die and raise again in new life, and he did it. He told his disciples that he would appear again to them, and he did it. His body was real, and encouraged them to touch it. He sat and ate fish with them, and appeared to over 400 people. Why point any of this out? Because, even I find myself needing to be reminded that this life in Christ is real, and that God, more than anything else in this world loves me. We all need to know that we are loved, and longed for; he proved that by sending His Son Jesus Christ.

If you do not have a relationship with the Father, you can by sincerely asking Jesus Christ to come into your broken life and make his home there. He will, and if you will allow him, he will begin to heal the aspects you will open to him there.

If Jesus Christ has been a part of your life for years, and yet you are tormented by the brokenness you feel, you are not alone. Scripture tells us that the enemy accuses us constantly before the Father, probably hoping that God would reject us. You need to know that God will not and does not change his mind about you and I. To do something like that would be contrary to God’s nature and established patterns of doing things, and it is not going to happen. He did not reject Jesus, and Jesus had to become sin, not merely have some in him. Yet, in spite of the sin (taken care of by the spilling of the blood of the Lamb upon the altar, just as Israel had done all those years) God received him back, and crowned him with glory, and seated Him upon an everlasting throne, where He now reigns.

Continue reading in Isaiah 42 you will find a statement that ought to be directed at Jesus, and yet, because of our relationship with him, can easily apply to us as well.

“I Jehovah have called You in righteousness, and will hold Your hand, and will keep You, and give You for a covenant of the people, for a Light of the nations; to open the blind eyes, to bring out the prisoners from the prison, those who sit in darkness out of the prison house.” (Isaiah 42:6-7 MKJV)

Since we came to have a relationship with Jesus Christ, we too have been called in righteousness, and God, the Father, will hold our hand and keep us.

There is no doubt that Jesus was given as a covenant of the people. The people initially being the Jews, but since God expanded that to include anyone that would come, we too are the people. Take this a step further, for Paul the Apostle wrote: “as he is, so are we, in this world.” Therefore, we too are a covenant or sign to the world, and that includes the crushed reeds that stand before us daily.

As lights that have been called, we have the right, duty, and ability in Christ, to: open the blind eyes, bring out the prisoners from prison, and bring light to those who sit in darkness. I believe passages, such as the one in Isaiah 42, give me the freedom and right to act, as Jesus would have. Should you have questions about how Jesus would have acted then consider Acts 10:38 for a moment.

“.. God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Ghost and with power: who went about doing good, and healing all that were oppressed of the devil; for God was with him.” (Acts 10:38 KJV)

If you do nothing else, as a believer, empowered by the Holy Spirit, place your hand on them and ask the Father, in Jesus name, to touch their lives, and then allow Him to do his work.